Stare

I stare into the eyes of the love of my life

She sits on my bed

I see a person that has tried so hard to love me

I see a gentle and kind soul

That has poured love into me like no one ever has

I try to see our future

I try to visualize it’s details 

Her with our child

We make music together 

Hold warm family dinners

But for some reason in my mind

Rolling thunderstorms seem to roll in like a tornado serene has sounded

It clouds my view of us

Of what we can be

Of what our future holds

 

And for this reason

I stare into the eyes of the love of my life

As she sits on my bed

To tell me

That we can no longer be together

 

Almost every relationship I witnessed as a child was a bit of a tornado

I never really saw the love that she tried to give me

I saw and heard the tear downs of partners

Every relationship other than my grandparents ended in divorce

Even then My grandmother verbal abused my grandfather damn near til the day that she died

No telling what they did to my mother

Substances, domestic violence, cheating and affairs

Swept through like whirlwinds

Tornados

 

When you don’t tell a kid whats going on

They pick up their own definition of how things go

A kid knows when a home feels cold

A kid knows when the parents facial expressions are that of defeat

Frustration and anger

When my parents split

I got one conversation from my father

Where he said

“You know son. Me and your mother aren’t going to be together anymore, but nothings going to change”

His stuff was already moved out of the house

The gust of wind was so fast I’m not even sure I understood where I was

By the time it put me

To me……Relationships don’t work, especially not at home

 

And for this reason

I stare into the eyes of the love of my life

Who has tried to show me where home is

Fighting against the winds inside me

Running disaster relief efforts

Trying to get me to touch my feet on the ground

And now, she sits on my bed

To tell me

That we can no longer be together

 

How can I blame her

Only a fool would stay around when the serenes keep sounding

When she reaching in for love

I pull away to guard

She tells me she is on my side

Internally all I can ask is for how long

She tells me I am safe

I tell myself she is a storm waiting to happen

But in reality

The tornado is inside me

 

I remember getting yelled at with a hot iron being shoved in my face

Criticized for making mistakes

Shut down for trying to speak up when deep down I knew 

It wasn’t right

Stop yelling at me….

It’s hard to believe it when you’re reminded how often that you’re wrong

 

So as she has tried to send me precious love

What I’ve done  is criticize her efforts

Shut her down when she wanted to speak life into me

And I knew it wasn’t right 

Stop yelling at me she would say

How can she believe in us when I constantly remind her 

That she is wrong

But in reality 

The tornado is inside me

 

I stare into the eyes of the love of my life

She sits on my bed

I see a person that has tried so hard to love me

I see a gentle and kind soul

That has poured love into me like no one ever has

I try to see our future

I try to visualize it’s details 

Her with our child

We make music together 

Hold warm family dinners

But for some reason in my mind

Rolling thunderstorms seem to roll in like a tornado serene has sounded

It clouds my view of us

Of what we can be

Of what our future holds

 

And for this reason

I stare into the eyes of the love of my life

As she sits on my bed

To tell me

That we can no longer be together

 

Maybe it isn’t my fault 

For creating the storm

But if I have any hope

Of sunnier skies in the forecast

I have to stand my ground against the wind

And not fight it but sooth and redirect

Channel the violent winds into

Summer breezes

Bask in the rain and let it purify me

See a dark cloud 

As temporary 

 

And then someday

I can stare into the eyes of the love of my life

As she sits on my bed

To tell me

I love you

Lets go enjoy the weather

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