My first sexual experience wasn’t with a woman
It was with a computer
Full of images and videos
Of actors that laid the framework for a tainted view of intimacy
Just like most young men
And it shows
I will never forget hearing those sweet words
Those sweet words she said to me
That night that I was laying it down
That night that I was giving her the business
That night that was so hot and passionate
In my mind at least
I’m sorry
I learned how to talk from the actors on my computer
So I asked her
“Yea baby…do you like that?”
And she replied
“No…No actually, not really”
Talk about a reality check
I was brought back to the moment in a flash
See I realized
My mind wasn’t even present
With her
It was caught up in an imaginary scene
Of what I thought sex was supposed to be
Damn
I’m Sorry
She left before I had the chance to realize
She left before I had a chance to heal
She left before I had a chance to tell her
I am sorry that I learned it from the computer
I am sorry that I learned it from my father
I am sorry that I learned it from my brothers and friends
From the TV, from the music
From everywhere I thought I was supposed to learn from
In the end it doesn’t matter where I learned it from
It only matters how it affects her now
And here we are walking away from the screens we learned from
With the self-proclaimed championship belts of the world
As the King Kong pipelayers
So dense in our thoughts
That not a single whisper
Not a single word
Not a single yell
Can penetrate our skulls enough to do the one thing that ironically
Would make us great lovers
Listen
But we don’t have to because the screens we learn from
Provide us a means to instant gratification
Where we learn how to subconsciously and directly objectify
Where we learn to be selfish
Where we learn to think we are GREAT at sex
And she learned to fake orgasms to protect our egos
And we tell all our friends we laid it down
But if you ask her
…not so much
And eventually she’ll leave
She’ll leave before you have the chance to realize
She’ll leave before you have a chance to heal
She’ll leave before you have a chance to tell her
That you are sorry that you learned it from the computer
That you learned it from your father, your brothers and friends, TV, music
From everywhere you thought you were supposed to learn from
I don’t know what hurt worse
To realize that my ego was bruised for childish reasons
Or to realize that I didn’t have the slightest idea of how to be intimate
I learned how to suppress it all, how to bury the feelings
But this time it wouldn’t work
Because it’s one thing to choose not to connect
But it’s another to realize you don’t know how to in the first place
You don’t know how to love
And she wants to
She wishes you would
She wishes you could
She is waiting for you
But all you can offer are the words
“I am sorry”
You want to be able to talk about it
But the screen never taught you to talk about this
This is what you hide with shame
This is what you pretend you don’t feel
This is what the guys make fun of you for
This is what makes you less of a man
This is what she wishes you would share with her
You try to but the words just won’t come out
You can’t seem to get enough air
You would rather pack it down
I hope you know the pain won’t go away
She just wants to understand
But she can’t wait forever
She left before I had the chance to realize
She left before I had a chance to heal
She left before I had a chance to tell her
I am sorry that I learned it from the computer
That I learned it from my father, my brothers and friends, TV, music
From everywhere I thought I was supposed to learn from
I am sorry that it took me so long to learn how to listen to you
I am sorry that it will take me time to get it right