My first sexual experience wasn’t with a woman

It was with a computer

Full of images and videos

Of actors that laid the framework for a tainted view of intimacy

Just like most young men

And it shows

 

I will never forget hearing those sweet words

Those sweet words she said to me

That night that I was laying it down

That night that I was giving her the business

That night that was so hot and passionate 

In my mind at least 

Im sorry

I learned how to talk from the actors on my computer

So I asked her 

“Yea baby …do you like that?”

And she replied

“No…. No Actually, Not Really”

 

Talk about a reality check

I was brought back to the moment in a flash

See I realized

That my mind wasn’t even present 

With her

It was caught up in an imaginary scene

Of what I thought sex was supposed to be

Damn

Im Sorry

 

She left before I had the chance to realize

She left before I had a chance to heal

She left before I had a chance to tell her

That I am sorry that I learned it from the computer

I am sorry that I learned it from my father

I am sorry that I learned it from my brothers and friends

From the TV, from the music

From everywhere I thought I was supposed to learn from

 

In the end it doesn’t matter where I learned it from

It only matters how it affects her now

And here we are walking away from the screens we learned from

With the self proclaimed championship belts of the world

As the king kong pipe layers

So dense in our thoughts

That not a single whisper

Not a single word

Not a single yell

Can penetrate our skull enough to do the one thing that Ironically 

Would make us great lovers

Listen

 

But we don’t have to because the screens we learn from

Provide us a means to instant gratification 

Where we learn how to subconsciously and directly objectify

Where we learn to be selfish

Where we learn to think we are GREAT at sex

And she learned to fake orgasms to protect your Ego

And you tell all our friends you laid it down in

But if you ask her

….not so much

And eventually she’ll leave

 

She’ll leave before you have the chance to realize

She’ll leave before you have a chance to heal

She’ll leave before you have a chance to tell her

That you are sorry that you learned it from the computer

That you learned it from your father, my brothers and friends, TV, music

From everywhere you thought you were supposed to learn from

 

I don’t know what hurt worse 

To realize that my ego was bruised for childish reasons

Or to realize that I didn’t have the slightest idea on how to be intimate

I learned how to suppress it all down

But this time it wouldn’t work

Because it’s one thing to choose not to connect

But it’s another to realize you don’t know how to in the first place

You don’t know how to love

 

And she wants to

She wishes you would

She wished you could

She is waiting for you

But all you can offer is the words 

I am sorry

 

You want to be able to talk about it

The screen never taught you to talk about this

This is what you hide with shame

This is what you pretend you don’t feel

This is what the guys make fun of you for

This is what makes you less of a man

This is what she wishes you would share with her

 

You try to but the words just won’t come out

You can’t seem to get enough air

You would rather pack it down

I hope you know the pain won’t go away

She just wanted to understand 

But she can’t wait forever

 

She left before I had the chance to realize

She left before I had a chance to heal

She left before I had a chance to tell her

That you are sorry that you learned it from the computer

That you learned it from your father, my brothers and friends, TV, music

From everywhere you thought you were supposed to learn from

I am sorry that it took me so long to learn how to listen to you

 

I am sorry that it will take me time to get it right

Back to Topics

Back to Portal Home