My grandmother is in the hospital, and my mother thinks she is dying

 

My mother’s been a nurse for 20 years, if anyone knows, she does…

So I called my grandfather to see how he was doing

He gave me the same unemotional run around, and rushed me off the phone

 

Before I got asked any of the important questions

Before we got off the phone, I said “I love you Grandad”

His reply, “Uh huh, Thank You”….*click*

 

As if hearing the words from me made him cringe

Like when that awkward person you thought was a fling says it to you

We’ve all been there, y’all laying in bed, they look over at you, 

They say “OMG” I think I love you, and you’re like, OMG, thanks….

 

But the thoughts began to resonate and I started to wonder

Have I ever heard my grandfather say he loves me? Or say he loves anyone?

And I get it, he is from the macho era where no emotion exist in men, 

Only steel exteriors and nails for breakfast

 

But even steel softens with enough heat, and if your wife of 50 years dying is not enough pressure build up to make you boil over

What catastrophic event has to occur to make the tears condense

Maybe they do, and you just won’t allow anyone to see the water stains

 

Why as men do we run from feelings?

Oh that’s right, because feelings make you soft, 

And being soft makes you weak, 

And being soft makes you like a woman

 

So if soft, weak, and woman are synonyms in a man’s mind

What value can he possibly place on a woman?

See carrying this weighted bravado of Americanized maleness is starting to get old

And heavy on my spirit, always supposed to be tough, and hardened

 

And there is too much bull-headed-ego-driven-male-privilege to steer us in the right direction 

But it’s cool, because Mother nature knows how to self correct, 

So for every father telling your sons not to cry, have feelings, or show emotions

There are five little Drakes in the making

 

Maybe if we told our sons more about love and less about being macho 

As brothers we would know how to hug it out, not slug it out

We would know how to talk about it and not shoot it out

Less calling women bitches and more calling for our sisters

 

More queens claiming and less slut shaming

More young men that feel loved enough to stop looking for gangs to feel validated

Less fear about feeling in the first place

More showing of feelings before it is too late to say so 

More tears to fall when they have the right to 

Like the one that will fall when my grandmother finally does pass

 

Of course this is not a cure all

And maybe I’m wrong.

Next time I call my Grandad, whether or not my Grandmother has passed

I will still say “I love you Grandad”

And maybe he will reply, “I love you too”

 

But just in case I’m right, 

I challenge you to stop hiding behind the cloak and be yourself, fellas

Feelings and emotions included

 

And for me….

Next time I call my Grandad, whether or not my Grandmother has passed

I will still say, “I love you Grandad”

And maybe he will reply, “I love you too”