I’m done

I’m finally done

I’m so proud of myself for quitting

I just had my last cigarette this morning

I looked right at it

Took a long deep puff

Didn’t even finish it

Said out loud

This isn’t me

Threw it on the ground

Stomped it out

I got this

This time is different

 

I stood in an alleyway

In the middle of a symbolic crossroad

I picked the alley 

So I could go to smoke alone

To not be seen

Because somewhere deep down

I’m embarrassed 

To even admit I have a smoking problem

 

I hate the smell and taste of them 

I hate how they make me feel

I know this from quitting a hundred times 

But also I did  a mindful meditation 

Where you mindfully witness your compulsive habit

You  slow the brain down

From an activated craving state

To a slower present place

Flick, Light, Puff, Inhale

 

Be present

My therapist Asked

What does it feel like?

What are your thoughts?

Do you actually like the taste?

The smell?

The initial tingle

What does it feel like?

It feels like…

It feels like…

…Nothing

…..It feels nothing

….I feel like nothing 

At least I am numb

 

The first time I smoked anything I was 14 years old

And it wasn’t a cigarette 

I was…..

 

Hi,

“Can I help you today?”

Can I have a pack of…

“Tough day huh?”

Yea…..

 

I mean….

The first time I smoked anything I was 14 years old

Same day I was also introduced to alcohol

Same day I threw up in the sink

It was a social setting

By social I mean house party at our place

Because my mother worked nights

My sisters are all older

So I was always with the older kids 

And invited to the party because if not

Im telllinnnggggg

 

My initial introduction was all fun and games

I bonded with my older seemingly cooler male role models

I didn’t have any brothers and I think somewhere

I always just wanted to be one of the guys

All the men in my family bonded over substances

The substances bound to many of them and didn’t let go

 

I get why

Because as soon as I took that first puff

That hit of dopamine

The validation of entering manhood 

With that first beer

That first inhale 

That first feeling

…. of feeling 

 

Hi,

“Can I help you today?”

Can I have a pack of…

“Tough day huh?”

Yea…

Sorry, Sorry….

 

See but this time

I’m done

I’m finally done

I’m so proud of myself for quitting

I just had my last cigarette this morning

I looked right at it

Took a long deep puff

Didn’t even finish it

Said out loud

This isn’t me

Threw it on the ground

Stomped it out

I got this

This time is different

 

Oh but deep down

I know it’s not true

I hear the voice that says back to me

You know you’re just saying that

See this substance has a grip on you

Just like your depression

You won’t be gone for long

We know you too well

 

See as soon as you get that annoying ass email

As soon as she realizes you aren’t worthy of love

As soon as you are left alone again

As soon as you get taken back to those childhood feelings

That you hurt you didn’t know how to face

That hurt you still don’t know how to face

 

“Hey son”

“So, nothing really going to change”

“But I’m going to be moving out”

“Me and your mother just don’t want to be together”

“But you know, everything will be the same”

“We still love you the same”

Me “ Ok yea “

His stuff was already moved out

Surprise…

 

I don’t like surprises

I found that being an adult there are a lot of surprises 

And pain points

And moments I don’t really want to  feel…

I just don’t want to feel

Actually I just don’t want to feel at all

I just want to feel ….

 

Hi

Can I help you today?

Can I have a pack of…

Tough day huh

Yea?

Sorry, Sorry….

 

Telling myself not to the whole time

I turn into the gas station

Walk up to the clerk

Not even wanting to make eye contact

As if they know the shame I feel inside

 

High can I help you?

Can I have a pack of…

Tough day huh yea?

Laughing uncomfortably as I charge my card

Money I know I hate spending

Money I stopped counting a while ago

My hand starts shaking as I grab the pack from the counter

All the way back to the car

I rip the filter off to feel more of a rush

But it really only comes with that first hit

 

Flick, Light, Puff, Inhale

 

That head rush

Feeling woozy for a moment but then

Go Numb

 

Then I  start of a multi stimulant escape

Filled with shame and guilt

Filled with internal talk of

Why am I doing this

This is not me

My mood worsening

Sinking into my sorrow 

Each puff ensuring harder withdrawal symptoms

Those headaches

Cold sweats 

The tossing and turning at night

The irritation from the smallest things

Why am I doing this

 

I swore I had my last cigarette yesterday

I looked right at it

Took a deep puff

Felt a 

“Hi can I help you”

 

Slowly coming to my senses

Once I’ve start to feel like throwing up

From the taste of the smoke

Once I know again that

I hate the smell and taste of them 

I hate how they make me feel

I know this from quitting a hundred times 

 

And that’s why

I know

I’m done

I’m finally done

I’m so proud of myself for quitting

I just had my last cigarette just now

I looked right it

Took a long deep puff

Didn’t even finish it

Said out loud

This isn’t me

Threw it on the ground

Stomped it out

 

I got this

This time is different