I’ve been writing out the pain since I was a kid

Whether I knew it or not

And I just want it to go away

But it comes back with a vice grip

 

I found a notepad with writings of my mother’s

She said she fears that she passed “the blue” on to my sister Ashley and I

The blue being the depression I know she felt all her life

I think my mother was just trying to write out the pain too

We aren’t speaking right now

 

Right back to that feeling of being alone

That feeling of “the blue”

That feeling that makes me want to end it all

That feeling that I can see in the eyes of others

I walk around with it covered with smiles, and performance, and surface level conversation

You learn how to perform after a while

Just so you never have to talk about what it’s really like inside

Blue

It’s hard to paint a picture with only that color 

 

There is scene in the last Christopher Nolan batman where the soon to be robin

Sits down with Bruce Wayne

From across the table he says

Something along the lines of

I knew you were Batman as soon as I saw you

He talks about how no one ever really fully recovers from deep loss and pain

No one knows how it feels to be angry in your bones

You mask it

You cover it up

But it’s still there

That scene shook me to my core

I felt exposed

I felt red

 

My anger feels like red

A bold version

Like red hot just before turning a blinding white

The blinding glow of blind rage

That feeling that scares me

Because I know I am capable of unleashing fury

And it’s fury that no one deserves to receive

 

In therapy I learned to trace back my feelings to the earliest time I can remember feeling them

What comes up for me when I think of “the blue”

I think of being yelled at as a kid

And told that I had anger and temper issues

By adults who didn’t know how to process their own anger

The irony

It’s turning red

I think of being shut down and dismissed

I think of being criticized with condescending speech and tone

Red

 

To the point that I just started to write the pain away

Whether I knew it or not

And I just want it to go away

But it comes back with a vice grip

My therapist asked me 

“What did you need at the time”

What came in response was tears

Followed by

“To be consoled, held, loved”

Water works

Blue

 

When my parents split I was given a choice to go with my mother or my father

I choose my father to learn to be a man

Which resulted in me basically living alone

I didn’t see him much

So when I was surprised

With the growth of a tumor in my chest

I didn’t even know who to tell

So I told no one

I wanted it to kill me

I wanted to stop feeling the blue

So my plan was to let it take over my body

Hoping it was malignant

So by the time anyone found out

It would be too late

Black

 

They sent me to a social worker and to therapy sessions

Their diagnosis was that I displayed signs of PTSD and severe depression 

I guess that wasn’t alarming enough

I went from a straight A honor roll student to a kid with a 2.19 GPA

I stopped going to school 

And when I did I was high

I guess that wasn’t alarming enough

Blue

 

That’s when I first started chasing substances and porn

Which eventually turned to more substances and women

Which eventually lead to no relationship feeling special or safe

And with every relationship around me ending in divorce 

What did I know about a relationship or a healthy one at that

A good friend once told me

I was crying while inside women

We aren’t speaking anymore 

5 years later and a surgery

Benign 

Fuck….Blue

 

So I’ve just been writing out the pain 

Whether I knew it or not

And I just want it to go away

But it comes back with a vice grip

Blue

 

My therapist said

You know where you’ve been

And you are healing from that

So who do you want to be now?

What came in response were tears

Haven’t been able to answer that question

But now I start to see

I want to be a painter

A painter

 

Yellow

I work hard everyday to feel the bright yellow

The feeling when I believe when I tell myself 

You can do this

You always have

I fight for it

Like a 100 to 1 underdog 

Like a marathon runner running my last race

I am painting a different picture for myself 

I take the blue and mix it with yellow 

To form a vibrant green

Like the trees and forest I escape to

Where the remaining blue is only rivers and streams

The yellow is kissing from the sun

Why stick to the basics 

I mix the red with blue and white

For my favorite shade of lavender 

The color of the wild flowers I love most

The black for the night sky I love to stargaze at

And with that remaining red

I take it to paint my heart back to vibrancy to love

I let it fuel me to get up and share my story

To build my grit

To keep going

To keep writing 

 

So I’ve just been writing out the pain 

Whether I knew it or not

And although I just wanted it to go away

I pick it up with a brush and a palette

And paint