Castle

A 7 year old boy made his home inside a castle

He didn’t ask to be placed there 

He did it to survive 

He could have really used a hug

He could have really used some love

He laid the foundation brick by brick

 

Imagine not being able to get out the words that you want to say

Imagine feeling a rush of anxiety so intense 

It literally constricts the wind pipes 

Out of fear of speaking a sentence with words that begin with a vowel

Imagine trying to learn to tell your story when words seemed to be your enemy

You try to speak but not even a stutter comes out, just dry heave gasps for air

You can never seem to get enough air

 

Causing reactions in your teachers such as “Spit it out”

Or reactions in the Children around you such as Laughter and mocking….. at your pain

Or reactions in your family members such as Laughter and mocking…..at your pain

Causing reactions in strangers that seem to look at you for what feels like an eternity to finish your sentence 

You try to laugh to fit in

You laugh because it hurts

You laugh because it hurts

You cry when no one is looking

 

The bricks begin to form

You begin to lay the foundation for your walls

A 7 year old boy made his home inside a castle

He didn’t ask to be placed there 

He did it to survive 

 

Imagine being the youngest of 5

The only boy

The baby of the family

The expectation was that he  would have been the golden child

The reality is that his timing always seemed off

In his formative years his parents were burnt out

Raising so many mouths on stretched dollars and dwindling patience

Raising one last seed when the foundation of their marriage was legally separating

 

He turned outward to find support

He couldn’t ask for it because the words could never get out

He got so angry at himself for the words not getting out it brought him to tears 

He got so angry at the words he stopped wanting to ask

Even if he got to ask, no one knew how to help at no fault of their own

He turned inward because everything outside seemed to hurt

He laughed to fit in

He  laughed because it hurt

He  laughed because it hurt

He cried when no one is looking

 

The bricks begin to form

The bricks  began to lay the foundation for the walls

The walls began to multiply 

The walls began to form the structures

A 7 year old boy made his home inside a castle

He didn’t ask to be placed there 

He did it to survive 

 

He got so angry at the words he refused to say them outloud

He began to switch in synonyms so he could escape the anxiety of saying vowels

The anxiety never really went away

He just learned to mask it

He  was still so angry at the words

So angry that he always wanted to cry

The world told him he never should

At no fault of his own

 

He turned to the page as it was the only thing that seemed to have the patience to listen

They all thought he conquered it

The anxiety was still there

He still felt it

Every reading out loud in class, presentation, casual conversation

His family and friends would reflect

Remember when you used to have the stuffer? 

Causing reactions like laugher and mocking at what they thought was his old pain

He turned inward because everything outside seemed to hurt

He laughed to fit in

He  laughed because it hurt

He cried when no one is looking

 

A 30 year old man made his home inside a castle

He didn’t ask to be placed there 

He did it to survive 

He laid the foundation brick by brick

He mans the drawbridge

 

He does everything in his might not to let things in

He cannot allow himself to be hurt

He  can no longer  laugh because it hurt

He  can no longer  laugh because it hurts

He  can no longer  laugh because it is hurting

He cries when no one is looking

 

He finally found his voice by telling his story

He told his story even when he hated the words

The words that he can finally get out

Even Though it took what seemed like an eternity 

He didn’t ask to be placed here 

He did it to survive 

He could really used a hug

He could  really used some love

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