Castle
A 7-year-old boy made his home inside a castle
He didn’t ask to be placed there
He did it to survive
He could have really used a hug
He could have really used some love
He laid the foundation brick by brick
Imagine not being able to get out the words that you want to say
Imagine feeling a rush of anxiety so intense
It literally constricts your windpipe
Out of fear of speaking a sentence with words that begin with a vowel
Imagine trying to learn to tell your story when words seemed to be your enemy
You try to speak but not even a stutter comes out, just dry heave gasps for air
You can never seem to get enough air
Your attempts to speak cause reactions in your teachers
They say “Spit it out”
Other kids mock you and laugh… at your pain
Your family members mock you and laugh…at your pain
Strangers look at you for what feels like an eternity, waiting for you to finish your sentence
You try to laugh to fit in
You laugh because it hurts
You laugh because it hurts
You cry when no one is looking
The bricks start to form
You begin to lay the foundation for your walls
A 7-year-old boy made his home inside a castle
He didn’t ask to be placed there
He did it to survive
Imagine being the youngest of five
The only boy
The baby of the family
The expectation was that you would be The Golden Child
The reality is that your timing always seemed off
In your formative years your parents were burnt out
Already feeding so many mouths on stretched dollars
Already parenting with dwindling patience
Raising one last seed when the foundation of their marriage was crumbling
As they headed toward a legal separation
A 7-year-old boy turned outward to find support
He couldn’t ask for it because he could never get the words out
He got so angry at himself for not being able to speak up
His anger brought him to tears
He got so angry at the words he stopped wanting to ask
Even if he got to ask, no one knew how to help at no fault of their own
He turned inward because everything outside seemed to hurt
He laughed to fit in
He laughed because it hurt
He laughed because it hurt
He cried when no one was looking
The bricks started to form
The bricks began to lay the foundation for the walls
The walls began to multiply
The walls began to form the structure
A 7-year-old boy made his home inside a castle
He didn’t ask to be placed there
He did it to survive
He got so angry at the words, he refused to say them out loud
He began to switch words with synonyms so he could escape the anxiety of saying vowels
But that anxiety never really went away
He just learned to mask it
He was still so angry at the words
So angry that he always wanted to cry
The world told him he never should
At no fault of his own
He turned to the blank page
It was the only thing that seemed to have the patience to listen
They all thought he had conquered it
The anxiety was still there
He still felt it
Every time he read out loud in class, gave a presentation, had a casual conversation
His family and friends would reflect
“Remember when you used to have the stutter?”
They laughed, mocking what they thought was his old pain
He turned inward because everything outside seemed to hurt
He laughed to fit in
He laughed because it hurt
He laughed because it hurt
He cried when no one was looking
A 30-year-old man made his home inside a castle
He didn’t ask to be placed there
He did it to survive
He laid the foundation brick by brick
He mans the drawbridge
He does everything in his power to keep people out
He cannot allow himself to be hurt
He can no longer laugh because it hurt
He can no longer laugh because it hurts
He can no longer laugh because it is hurting
He cries when no one is looking
He finally found his voice by telling his story
He told his story even when he hated the words
The words that he can finally get out
Even though it took what seemed like an eternity
He didn’t ask to be placed here
He did it to survive
He could have really used a hug
He could have really used some love